Slowly Digesting Total Face Reconstruction!
Ok..so maybe I'm being a bit over dramatic, but hey, at this point I'm contemplating some very serious procedures here. I can tell you that the past 3 days have been filled with nothing but constant research. I have been looking at every blog, pic, journal article, message board, or tidbit so that I may find that little something, be it a pic,a word, a sentence that helps me dig deep and find my courage so this whole surgerical procedure won't seem like such a humongous deal.
A few weeks ago I was complaining about how I didn't want to wait until May to have my surgery. How it was so far away and I wanted to just get it done now. Oh, and of course there was the surgery envy I was feeling towards all my other surgery girlfriends who where going under the knife this past Friday. Well let me officially say THANK YOU GOD for making me wait til May for my surgery. It is amazing to me how quickly the days are flying by now, and I know that soon...probably much sooner then I want, May will be here, and it will be my turn.
I find it so interesting that I'm so unnerved by this, when I was so eerily calm about my SARPE. I mean, the whole SARPE experience wasn't that bad, not anywhere near as bad as I imagined it would be. You know what I find myself worrying most about is not making it through surgery. This is even hard to write as I'm sorta supersticious about putting words down on paper, or blog. I think things sorta take on a life of their own once they are verbalized or spoken out loud. Probably sounds weird but its how I feel. I mean if I didn't have my son, then perhaps this would all feel a lot different. I find myself worrying most though about not making it back. Not seeing is adorable little face again. Is that normal? I keep telling myself it is, and as I recall I think Steph had some similar reservations prior to surgery. It's funny but no matter how much education, or knowledge you have about something. Sometimes you just have very irrational fears that you can't seem to talk yourself out of. That part irritates me, that I don't feel like I have better control over it, but at the same time I'm trying not to beat myself up for being a little stressed out either. I feel like my last couple of days have consisted of nothing but internal dialogues aimed at trying to calm my fear of the unknown, and not talk myself out of doing this. I'm usually so strong, and nothing gets to me, so suffice it to say that I'm having a hard time with the fact that this is really getting to me.
The more I research the more I feel better, but it sorta comes in waves. I'm thinking that if this goes on for the full 3 months til surgery that I'm going to be an absolute basket case. Not to mention skinny as I don't eat much when I'm stressed!
Ok...enough of this gloom and doom talk. I put it out there, now its time to move on to something more positive and let my brain rest a little.
I'm soo glad we have a three day weekend! I'm so tired (which is probably the majority of my problem here) as everything is magnified when I'm tired. Work has been crazy busy lately and I just feel like I really need this weekend to get some rest and regenerate a bit. I want to spend some time looking for ideas to decorate my sitting room with, relax, sleep in, and spend some time with my darling husband. Other than that I have no real plans.
It will all be fine....I know it will, and I have all my "orthodorks" out there to help me get through this. I did find this article today and thought it was rather comforting. I thought I would pass it along since MMA surgery is basically the same as upper and lower. It's about Patient's perception of the facial appearance after maxillomandibular advancement for obstructive sleep apnea syndrome.
A few weeks ago I was complaining about how I didn't want to wait until May to have my surgery. How it was so far away and I wanted to just get it done now. Oh, and of course there was the surgery envy I was feeling towards all my other surgery girlfriends who where going under the knife this past Friday. Well let me officially say THANK YOU GOD for making me wait til May for my surgery. It is amazing to me how quickly the days are flying by now, and I know that soon...probably much sooner then I want, May will be here, and it will be my turn.
I find it so interesting that I'm so unnerved by this, when I was so eerily calm about my SARPE. I mean, the whole SARPE experience wasn't that bad, not anywhere near as bad as I imagined it would be. You know what I find myself worrying most about is not making it through surgery. This is even hard to write as I'm sorta supersticious about putting words down on paper, or blog. I think things sorta take on a life of their own once they are verbalized or spoken out loud. Probably sounds weird but its how I feel. I mean if I didn't have my son, then perhaps this would all feel a lot different. I find myself worrying most though about not making it back. Not seeing is adorable little face again. Is that normal? I keep telling myself it is, and as I recall I think Steph had some similar reservations prior to surgery. It's funny but no matter how much education, or knowledge you have about something. Sometimes you just have very irrational fears that you can't seem to talk yourself out of. That part irritates me, that I don't feel like I have better control over it, but at the same time I'm trying not to beat myself up for being a little stressed out either. I feel like my last couple of days have consisted of nothing but internal dialogues aimed at trying to calm my fear of the unknown, and not talk myself out of doing this. I'm usually so strong, and nothing gets to me, so suffice it to say that I'm having a hard time with the fact that this is really getting to me.
The more I research the more I feel better, but it sorta comes in waves. I'm thinking that if this goes on for the full 3 months til surgery that I'm going to be an absolute basket case. Not to mention skinny as I don't eat much when I'm stressed!
Ok...enough of this gloom and doom talk. I put it out there, now its time to move on to something more positive and let my brain rest a little.
I'm soo glad we have a three day weekend! I'm so tired (which is probably the majority of my problem here) as everything is magnified when I'm tired. Work has been crazy busy lately and I just feel like I really need this weekend to get some rest and regenerate a bit. I want to spend some time looking for ideas to decorate my sitting room with, relax, sleep in, and spend some time with my darling husband. Other than that I have no real plans.
It will all be fine....I know it will, and I have all my "orthodorks" out there to help me get through this. I did find this article today and thought it was rather comforting. I thought I would pass it along since MMA surgery is basically the same as upper and lower. It's about Patient's perception of the facial appearance after maxillomandibular advancement for obstructive sleep apnea syndrome.
posted by Brandyleigh35 @ 9:29 PM
5 Comments:
At 10:15 PM,
Lark said…
Brandy,
Coming from a double jaw post-oper I feel like you'll never fully be prepared for this whole dramatic thing. Its hard for anyone to wrap their head around. You just have to have faith that this is what is right for YOU. We'll all go through stages of doubt and uncertainty..but I truly believe that in the end this will make you learn so much about yourself..how strong you actually are..how important taking care of this really is..etc. Best of luck to you! I look forward to reading about a better valentines day next year!
At 5:47 AM,
Mary said…
Hey Brandy, I think that the fear you are talking about it primal. I certainly know that I went through it and that when I woke up, my first thought was "thank god I'm still here!" Very natural, but it doesn't "mean" anything. I went to see a hypnotherapist (actually a psychotherapist who does hypnotherapy) to deal with this fear and we made a several tapes which I transferred onto my iPod and listened to. Since my surgery was postponed 2 months, I had more time to listen to them. They really helped, I swear. Not just for my surgery but everytime I went to the dentist after that, I would get very calm and relaxed. It also really helped talking to her about it, expressing it out loud to someone. I have found that while I can use my intellect to rule over my emotions, that the emotions are still there. One saying I really like is "feel the fear." Also if you are concerned about your physical fitness for the surgery, you still have some time to gain stregnth and stamina by starting a fitness program if you don't already have one (I recommend yoga as it quickly builds strength, stamina, and endurace and also has the calming aspect).
I really think you will be okay. After I woke from my surery I realized how silly all my anxiety was, how easy it was to go through the surgery, and how well taken care of I was in the hospital.
Mary
At 10:44 AM,
Brandyleigh35 said…
Thanks to all of you for your support, suggestions, and inspiration. I know I will eventually work through all these emotions.
Honestly I have come to realize that it isn't really even the surgery I'm nervous about. Its the recovery ordeal. I mean after having the SARPE I know what its going to be like pretty much for the upper. I also know that it took a long time to get full feeling back. I hated having my teeth feel like wood, and the numbness,mostly I hated the burning, and pins and needles stuff as the nerves regenerate. THAT is what I'm really dreading. I mean I just got the feeling fully back in my maxilla now we are going to tear it down again!
Truthfully I'm not worried about the lower at all. I'm sure its because I have nothing to compare it to. It's like I feel like I can do one or the other, but both at the same time is definetely a bit disconcerting.
Anyway...Thanks again for all of you. It does make a difference having others who have been through this to discuss it with. I can't imagine what I would do without all of my blog buddies. This whole process is very emotional, and no one can really understand it completely unless they have been through it. Having all of you guys really helps!
Brandy
At 12:08 PM,
Mrs. Shanton said…
Hey, Brandy.
I say, stay busy. Surrender yourself to your surgeon. You're physically well, not in any risk category for anesthesia morbidity/mortality. You're young.
I think the recovery period is pretty challenging, and you can't tell that by reading blogs. The first few days were tough for me, but again, I think your mental toughness--being a mom has helped in this way--will get you through it.
I look back at a week now and think, "Well, that wasn't THAT bad." It's being on the beginning side of it, and wondering HOW you will EVER get through another day, let alone ten days, that can be tough.
And I was thinking, knowing what I know now, how comfortable would I be about, say, doing it over again? What if my surgeon told me she needed to go back in and make adjustments? I would REALLY struggle with it, because then it's a known, and less of a "Jump in and see what you think" kind of thing. And that's the position you're in, having gone through a SARPE surgery--you know a little more how hard it is.
But if I can do it, you can, too, and that's the bottom line. Decide what you're going to do, and then keep yourself busy. You have a lot to do in 2 months, and those things are far more interesting than your surgery.
I can't WAIT to get back to my real life. Today is beautiful in the SF Bay Area, and here I am inside, recovering from surgery. UGH!
I wanna go back to work!!!
At 2:49 PM,
JenNicole said…
I can't say that I can relate to the how you are feeling in the sense that you are worried about being there for your son. But you have to think more along the lines of getting through this for your son. Look at me I am 8 days post-op, and I am back on my feet. Heck, I am working on my mid-term essays for my college class! This has been the most painful and difficult things to get through in my life, but I did it. So has a lot of adults and so will you. This procedure has been done many times...and I haven't heard of anyone not making it through. It's going to be hard, and you will have to tough it out, but you have your family, friends, and fellow ortho dorks for support. I might have went into surgery w/ blinders, but I had to fight may way through recovery just as you will. It is completely do-able. You are the one the laid the path for the majority of us for SARPE...now you can prepare by seeing us journey through the second surgery.
Post a Comment
<< Home